Gee willikers, it has been quite a while since I have been posting up a journal. More than a year in fact. That's really sad.
Over the course of the past year I have made several attempts at getting back into deviantART and what has changed and been going on here. The new ability to change usernames was what got me to somewhat return in a lurk-mode here and I have been contemplating a full return for quite a while.
I'm sorry I rarely get to reply to your messages but even after nuking a lot I still have almost 20,000 things to check out. And no I am not exaggerating. That's gonna take a while.
I'd like to say I am busy, but I really am not. Not much has changed. Nothing at all has changed to be quite frank which is really strenuous on my psyche. I've been somewhat stuck in the same position in life for around 4 years now, nothing advances, nothing evolves, nothing happens, I achieved zilch. Besides losing people that I thought were friends but turned out to be nothing more than 'People I thought I knew'.
Do you know that feeling when you think you really know someone and trust them and in the end they are only your friend when you have good times but once you hit a deep, deep pit; rock bottom, they are nowhere to be found? Yeah there were lots of those. But I don't blame these people. really. I wouldn't be able to stand myself either.
But I digress.
I talk too much about depressive shit, it's why no one ever wants to talk to me. That I can't put 2 and 2 together at times is baffling, isn't it.
I have been off medication for quite a while which is not as refreshing as I thought it would be. I am planning to consult a doctor to have something prescribed again and get into therapy once more. It's not fun but the only way I seem to be able to operate. The past year has been a living hell again and I feel that things get worse once more.
It's not easy being alone. And it's even worse when you know there are 3, 4 people out there who genuinely care about you yet are miles, miles, miles away from you. I have no money or income so I cannot ever see them or physically experience a connection. It's really tiring.
Besides all these things I have learned to enjoy at least a few little things in life again. I often sit by my window and look at the nightsky. Put on my headphones and close my eyes and listen to the wind breezing though the leaves or cars that drive by.
I enjoy being an observer of life. A quiet one.
I don't enjoy being a participant of it.
It's sad. Just sad.
And although no one's gonna answer:
How you doin'?
Love you all,