Maaaaaang. 'sup you crazy mofos?
Okay enough of that.
When I came to dA today not expecting much I didn't even really remember that it was dA's birthday. While that in itself isn't terribly important to me it did make me think back. How I first started around here just lurking and submitting colorings of linearts that other people on dA made as a practice in digital art, getting in touch with the emote community and learning the kinks of that, quickly making friends and falling in love with the community and this site in general so quickly, being appreciated by others for the first time in my life. So much so that I got my seniority after only 11 months of site membership. Which was pretty crazy. Even in retrospect you couldn't ever imagine how much that meant to me. That little symbol change had such a profound impact on my life even if that sounds super retarded when I read that again. I picked up my passion of photography again when I finally got a new camera, became an Emote GD shortly afterwards. That was the absolute pinnacle of the high life on dA, I was happy beyond all imaginations.
And then shit hit the fan. It became too much. Too much delight and happiness. Depression caught up to me again and threw me into dark pits, people I learned to like and love on dA turned into monsters and it was all just terrible timing.
I had duties on the site I couldn't fulfil. I said something stupid about dA while holding the position, I got removed from the team. The journal I posted back then (which I deleted about a year ago or so) exploded with comments, over 2,000 posts full of drama and fingerpointing. I felt hated here. People were disappointed and I let everyone down. I could go into specifics but I couldn't bear being on the site anymore. Some people I had always admired gave off the vibe like they didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
And that's mainly why I disappeared. I had to deal with my life and my depression and hardships alone. And in light of being kicked in the balls on dA and just not feeling worth it and deserving of spending time here I vanished.
I didn't create anymore. No photos. No art. No emotes. This here has been sitting in my WIP folder since 2009:
I can barely stand looking at this because I know exactly when I stopped working on it, the day I got kicked from the volunteer team.
It's depressing, so I should better stop talking about this.
I really wish I could turn back time, you know. I wish I could go back and do right whatever I did wrong back then as a Gallery Director.
I saw people blossom all around me, a prime example of this being Krissi001
. She started out with pencil drawings, when we met she got into making emotes. She improved so incredibly much. She became a senior member. She became a Volunteer like I did back then. She even got Deviousness for Christ's sake. Something I always dreamed of but never would have deserved to save my life.
I'm really proud of her. I kind of like to think she amended the damage I caused back then and maybe in the end was a better member of this community than I ever could aspire to be.
dA has changed a lot since I last seriously interacted with the site. When I look at the seniority announcements I never recognize anybody anymore. That makes me really sad when I think about it. I used to know like... 80% of the people listed there whenever those were posted up.
I just don't feel like I belong to you guys anymore and I don't know what I could do to change that. I wanna be as involved here as I used to be. I am just lost as to what to do about it.
I'd finish that emote. But I think I forgot how to make emoticons. Just like I seemingly forgot how to interact with humans.